Don't. Rush. Ahead.
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall never be shaken.
Psalm 62: 1-2
How is it already the middle of May? I think back to where I was a year ago finishing out the school year in Plano, Texas, making arrangements to move my things into storage, attempting to get out of my lease, weeding through clothes and purchasing all of the supplies I would need to move to Africa for a year. And now that year is almost over. It doesn't even seem real. Now, a year later, I find myself in a similar situation. Finishing the school year, preparing to move, making sure my permits are valid, weeding through my things, starting the packing process. And while my move this year is not nearly as massive as last year's, I am feeling the same excitement and anticipation.
I am not a patient person. I think many people view me as patient because I love working with children, but my "teacher patience" and my "life patience" are two very different things. I hate waiting. For anything. It is one of my biggest faults. Waiting in lines at amusement parks; hate it. Waiting for packages to be delivered; I check the status multiple times a day. Waiting for a response to an email or text message; My anxiety goes through the roof. Waiting for food at a restaurant; THE WORST. And no matter how hard I try to be patient, I fail.
Last year, I could. Not. Wait. To move to Tanzania. I started a countdown on my phone the day I found out I received the volunteer position. I started packing my suitcases the next week. We're talking November. And I didn't move until June. You see, because I know this about myself, I have developed strategies to get me through the waiting. I use calendars and cross off the days to help me see that time is indeed passing. I distract myself with busyness or plan other events to look forward to so that I can countdown to that event, after which I am that much closer to "the main event". I talk about it and prepare for it, no matter how far in advance it is because the preparation distracts me from the present and keeps me focused on the future. Did you catch that? The preparation distracts me from the present. It distracts me from the anxious anticipation that I hate so much and instead draws my attention to the future that I so strongly desire. How messed up is that?
Now, have I always been this way? I don't think so. I think my impatience is a result of several things, first being my battle with cancer. For those who don't know, I was diagnosed with stage 2 Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2015, just five months before I was scheduled to graduate from college. My doctor laid out my treatment plan - 12 rounds of chemotherapy and 15 radiation treatments - and told me it would take around nine months. This put me finishing my treatment within days of the start of the fall semester when I would be able to re-enroll and finish out my degree so that I could graduate in December. Back to school, graduation. That was my goal. Every chemo treatment got me closer to that goal. Even as my body got weaker and the treatment made me sicker, I was still getting closer to my goal. Any delay sent me into a tailspin. I couldn't handle it. I took it out on my family. On the insurance company who was dragging their feet to approve my radiation treatment. I was so focused on reaching that light at the end of the tunnel that I tripped over every hindrance and stumbling block, falling flat on my face.
I never blamed God for my cancer. My mother has taught me better than that. But I don't know that I called on him nearly as often as I should have during my battle. I prayed for my doctors. I prayed that the treatment would heal my body. But in my moments of impatience where it felt as though my life was entirely out of my control, I turned to whatever physical comforts I could find that would help curb my frustration with the present. And while I was relying on my calendar and doctors appointments, there were hundreds, yes, hundreds of people praying for me to be well. God heard their prayers, and he was with me. Even when I was too stubborn to ask.
So I have admitted that I have a problem. That's the first step, right? I have admitted this problem before God (who definitely already knew) and I am praying daily for his help. As this new adventure approaches - leaving my position as missionary English teacher at Wesley Pre and Primary School and becoming a student of Swahili at Morogoro Lutheran Junior Seminary - I feel myself losing focus on the present. I have drawn up my calendar and I'm crossing off the days. But every time I do I hear that whisper of the Holy Spirit. Don't. Rush. Ahead. Every day is a blessing. Find joy in every day. Remember when you waited in anticipation to do what you are doing now. Have peace. Some days, that helps. And some days I fill an online Target shopping cart with the supplies I need to get when I come home. Again this week, just as I believe I have most weeks on this blog, I ask for your prayers. Prayers for these last few weeks here in Morogoro. Prayers that I am not so focused on the future that I lose sight of the present. And if you, like me, struggle with patience during the waiting, know that you are not alone. I'm right there with you. And so is our God.
Mungu akubariki,
Allee
Psalm 62: 1-2
How is it already the middle of May? I think back to where I was a year ago finishing out the school year in Plano, Texas, making arrangements to move my things into storage, attempting to get out of my lease, weeding through clothes and purchasing all of the supplies I would need to move to Africa for a year. And now that year is almost over. It doesn't even seem real. Now, a year later, I find myself in a similar situation. Finishing the school year, preparing to move, making sure my permits are valid, weeding through my things, starting the packing process. And while my move this year is not nearly as massive as last year's, I am feeling the same excitement and anticipation.
I am not a patient person. I think many people view me as patient because I love working with children, but my "teacher patience" and my "life patience" are two very different things. I hate waiting. For anything. It is one of my biggest faults. Waiting in lines at amusement parks; hate it. Waiting for packages to be delivered; I check the status multiple times a day. Waiting for a response to an email or text message; My anxiety goes through the roof. Waiting for food at a restaurant; THE WORST. And no matter how hard I try to be patient, I fail.
Last year, I could. Not. Wait. To move to Tanzania. I started a countdown on my phone the day I found out I received the volunteer position. I started packing my suitcases the next week. We're talking November. And I didn't move until June. You see, because I know this about myself, I have developed strategies to get me through the waiting. I use calendars and cross off the days to help me see that time is indeed passing. I distract myself with busyness or plan other events to look forward to so that I can countdown to that event, after which I am that much closer to "the main event". I talk about it and prepare for it, no matter how far in advance it is because the preparation distracts me from the present and keeps me focused on the future. Did you catch that? The preparation distracts me from the present. It distracts me from the anxious anticipation that I hate so much and instead draws my attention to the future that I so strongly desire. How messed up is that?
Now, have I always been this way? I don't think so. I think my impatience is a result of several things, first being my battle with cancer. For those who don't know, I was diagnosed with stage 2 Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2015, just five months before I was scheduled to graduate from college. My doctor laid out my treatment plan - 12 rounds of chemotherapy and 15 radiation treatments - and told me it would take around nine months. This put me finishing my treatment within days of the start of the fall semester when I would be able to re-enroll and finish out my degree so that I could graduate in December. Back to school, graduation. That was my goal. Every chemo treatment got me closer to that goal. Even as my body got weaker and the treatment made me sicker, I was still getting closer to my goal. Any delay sent me into a tailspin. I couldn't handle it. I took it out on my family. On the insurance company who was dragging their feet to approve my radiation treatment. I was so focused on reaching that light at the end of the tunnel that I tripped over every hindrance and stumbling block, falling flat on my face.
I never blamed God for my cancer. My mother has taught me better than that. But I don't know that I called on him nearly as often as I should have during my battle. I prayed for my doctors. I prayed that the treatment would heal my body. But in my moments of impatience where it felt as though my life was entirely out of my control, I turned to whatever physical comforts I could find that would help curb my frustration with the present. And while I was relying on my calendar and doctors appointments, there were hundreds, yes, hundreds of people praying for me to be well. God heard their prayers, and he was with me. Even when I was too stubborn to ask.
So I have admitted that I have a problem. That's the first step, right? I have admitted this problem before God (who definitely already knew) and I am praying daily for his help. As this new adventure approaches - leaving my position as missionary English teacher at Wesley Pre and Primary School and becoming a student of Swahili at Morogoro Lutheran Junior Seminary - I feel myself losing focus on the present. I have drawn up my calendar and I'm crossing off the days. But every time I do I hear that whisper of the Holy Spirit. Don't. Rush. Ahead. Every day is a blessing. Find joy in every day. Remember when you waited in anticipation to do what you are doing now. Have peace. Some days, that helps. And some days I fill an online Target shopping cart with the supplies I need to get when I come home. Again this week, just as I believe I have most weeks on this blog, I ask for your prayers. Prayers for these last few weeks here in Morogoro. Prayers that I am not so focused on the future that I lose sight of the present. And if you, like me, struggle with patience during the waiting, know that you are not alone. I'm right there with you. And so is our God.
Mungu akubariki,
Allee
If you would like to donate towards my work in Tanzania, you can send donations electronically through the Venmo app.
My username is @Alison-Gomulka.
If you would prefer to send a check, you can mail it to
Alison Gomulka
15601 Shady Brook Lane
College Station, TX
77845
Half way through my chemo treatments
The day of my final chemo treatment.
And the day of my final radiation treatment.
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