WWJD

May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together - spirit, soul, and body - and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ.  The One who called you is completely dependable.  If he said it, he'll do it!

1 Thessalonians 5: 23-24 (MSG)

I think after two weeks of sickness, I'm finally feeling like myself again.  I don't just mean in the physical sense.  Yes, the UTI and sinus infection that kept me pretty much bed bound for a week impacted me physically.  My asthma was giving me fits and the many medications I received at the hospital here were strong, giving me headaches and making it difficult for me to sleep.  Day after what seemed like endless day I woke up hoping to feel better but still unable to breath.  But as I learned during my battle with cancer, sickness can have a much greater and more detrimental impact on our mental and emotional state than our physical one.  

I'm sure it is a combination of the fact that I have now lived here for six months and that I recently traveled home to America, but the community around me has become very aware of the ways I have supported them.  And just like the group of kids who come to my house for candy, the number of people showing up at my door asking for support of all kinds continues to grow.  Parents I have never met asking for scholarships for their children, salespeople asking me to buy their goods at an elevated price, children I don't know asking for their gift from America, friends who "need" a laptop or a new cell phone to get by.  

The truth is, even before I got sick, I found myself pulling away.  I spent more time at home.  I avoided conversation, even with friends, because of the anxiety of the ask that I knew was coming.  I struggled to sort through the donations I brought back with me, knowing that when they were all distributed there would still be someone who would show up at my door wanting their share and I would have to turn them away.  My sickness gave me the out that my heart was searching for to hunker down in my safe space and avoid the great need and desperation that, despite my efforts, was still finding me every day.  And yet, even in my bed under the covers, the need found me.  Text messages and emails.  Calls and Facebook messages.  Madam, when will you bring our supplies? Madam the Maasai are waiting for you.  Madam please we need the support of your friends in America.  I left them on read.  I couldn't handle it.  

Then came the guilt.  This is my job.  My job is to help people, to love people.  I formed these relationships.  I told people I could help them.  Now I can't handle it? What is wrong with me? It doesn't matter if you know them or not.  What would Jesus do? Jesus wouldn't be laying in bed watching Netflix.  Even if he was sick.  Jesus would help them.  All of them. 

It was there, at the pinnacle of my sickness induced depressive state, that I cracked.  I broke down.  There were tears and rambling explanations between sobs and long text messages trying to express the heartache and loneliness I was feeling.   Thankfully I have a really amazing mom and some equally wonderful friends here and back home who know me well.  They brought me back.  They gave me love and affirmation and reminded me that I am human and that God's work is hard.  

I also have a really amazing God who through my devotion the day after my melt down, appropriately titled "Oxygen", reminded me that, just in case I had any doubt, he did not leave me alone.  Amanda Williams writes: 

"The gospel is our oxygen.  But here in our temporary home, the gospel can seem intangible and hard to hang on to.  So where do we turn when the heavy blanket is closing in, when we're in the dark, gasping for air? We turn to God's Word.  When we turn its pages and take in its truth, the very breath of God fills our lungs, our heart, our mind, our soul.  Whether we come to Him doubting, praising, weeping, laughing.  His Word is for us and it is true.  In this ever-fading world, God's Word never fades.  We can approach it in any condition, under any circumstance, and IT IS STILL TRUE.  When our will is weak, God's Word is true.  When our faith is fragile, God's Word is true.  When our hearts are heavy, God's Word is true.  When we wonder if we even believe it, God's Word is true.  The gospel is permanent, even when our belief buckles under the world's weight."

Finally feeling some relief from my asthma symptoms, I went to school on Thursday.  On my five minute walk home a woman approached me in the street.  She didn't introduce herself or show any indication that she knew who I was.  She told me that she was going to be opening a nursery school in her home across from our church.  She asked if I had any advice for her as she began this endeavor.  I told her I wasn't experienced in opening schools, that I was only a teacher.  "Even that." she said.  "Any words you have for me.  You are welcome to come to my home place and talk more about how you can support me."  I told her that I was on my way home, but maybe another day.  I shook my head as I walked away.  As I relayed the story to my mom over the phone later she told me about one of movies she had seen about Jesus's life.  She said there was a scene where he was walking through the streets of Jerusalem and the people were so sick and so desperate that as he walked by everyone reached out to touch him so they would be healed.  Every time someone touched him, he could feel the power leaving his body.  
While we don't have the power to heal as Jesus did, we all have something to offer the world around us.  God calls us to give of ourselves freely to those in need, trusting that as we deplete ourselves- our energy, our love, our resources- He will fill us back up so we can pour ourselves out again and again.  We are not in this alone.  I am not in this alone.  Thanks be to God.